Hi, Ive been involved with a covert narcissist sociopath in my small neighborhood. Then he hated me and even hit me twice and choked me once. So whether your ex is serious or not, please dont fall for it. Hugs. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experience. And most important the lies were driving me bonkers. Either way, you might want to try some of the healing tools here on the site, and check out the suggestions in my recent article, http://letmereach.com/2014/10/06/why-do-i-feel-so-attached-to-my-narcissistic-ex/. Very skilled at the manipulation. Haha! You are not alone, you dont need to do it alone. Never heard from him again. I keep in touch how it goes when i hear from him. You are well aware that they mistreated you when you were together. The last contact i had was from my side. His kids are apparently very well behaved, and maybe he deals with her much like he does his kids. Obviously was with him. Love is not pain! There were many red flags in the beginning which of course I ignored because it made me felt good seeing her and spending time with her. He would borrow my car and put hundreds of miles on it. I take responsibility of this mess, as I should have understood my actions and those of my wife. What about over one or two years. I would recommend your getting counseling and contacting the suicide hotline at: https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CCIQ0kMoADAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.suicidepreventionlifeline.org%2F&ei=irtgVfLuEcqayASNhYHgCg&usg=AFQjCNE4Hv6RcsQlZUZgKuDddDBWMWUwvw&sig2=0EH5yuP0YMqLmaEdMf7V6w&bvm=bv.93990622,d.aWw. My way of thinking is my life is my life. When you were together, theyd say things like, you cant do anything without me. Regardless of how it happened, this exit is a destructive question that leaves a black hole in the foundation of our lives. I thought that, but no just new supply and they will get it too eventually. You wont see it coming, it will be a very strategic, and calculated move, and theyll wait until youre at your most vulnerable to attack. So to fool you into believing that the contact wont be the same if you remain friends, theyll say theyre going to therapy to work through their issues. Thank you for this.. Dear Ellen, He only neglected me, ignored me, lied over and over again, and all other behaviour narcissists have. I have started talking to our daughter about NPD I need to protect her. Im so sorry to say this to u because I know how u feel. Thanks for this post it boils it down so clearly. I think he knows it on some level because he works so hard to be different and spiritual. I hope its the latter for you! Learn a new skill Sorry to keep asking probably irrelevant questions. Now, its been almost three months since the ex has seen me at all. Sometimes think i am getting over it. But him at his best is still dysfunctional. It drives humans to seek rewards and motivates them to act and live their lives in productive ways. [Read: The Real Narcissistic Abuse Cycle: Why You Cant Go No Contact]. And he is holding on, believing I am the love of his life. Thought of ruining and losing my family and friends, makes me strongly to desire to change my behaviour. Its been a week since our last horrific conversation but I am certain that I will hold onto no contact this time. So, I shut him down. Another something else etc. Because the child in your heart Always excist. Because in most cases, they will never admit they have a problem. On top of that he lied on all his financials and Mr. Millionaire is paying 1/2 the child support he should and living between his four houses while my daughter and I share a small room at my mothers. She doesnt seems as excited as she was a few months ago, says its alot so soon. When I broke up with him in Feb and he contacted me in May I finally told him what I thought of him. The dynamic is different from normal in so far as this is a group of people who take part in a sport I dont actually have to specifically spend time with this person but he is always there an omnipresence and vocal with it as you would expect its all about him the notion that he is as I suspect him to be is quite unambiguous. No one makes anyone behave in disorder ways. I have an instant attraction when I see him which is always long periods and not planned as he lives quite far from me. To her I am just a needy ex which I am sure she is telling all her friends and family. I was only with my ex for four months, continued being friends with her the next eight months, and I am still suffering psychological pain from the incident. The long talks we had and the support he gave me even though he did that to make himself feel good, really helped me at a time when I was at my lowest. He still sees me as his best friend. If I didnt still have his e-mails I might be inclined to consider his insults to be true. Next timeI wont allow myself to be around to hear or read the pleas. They leave you spinning, wondering what happened, without a period to the end of that sentence. Try to research on thisNPD is included in BPD, if its a Psychopathic BPD. Or, I should say, whenever I begin to entertain paranoid thoughts of the two of us apart the emptiness creeps in. What I now feel is like my whole sense of self has been suddenly truncated I am feeling a confusing mix of things affronted by the ease with this seeming resolution full of anger at how its affected me not to say the ambiguities I face relinking to the group as a whole I sent a contribution into the forum where they all are the other day a simple comment about something normal just like before exactly what I have missed so much some replied some talked about other stuff others started other threads it was like looking in on a room full of people chatting being excluded from that room for what is 18 months and now being able to walk in and talk like nothing has happened has made me really sad inside for the meaninglessness of it all how hard it is when this is used as a weapon manipulating and controlling a persons connectedness is a powerful and painful weapon it really hurts, none of the stress depression anxiety simply goes up in smoke I am mindful too that dealing with those things is now made more difficult given the blurring of the framework that formed them those feelings have been orphaned in a way, left out on their own, I think a big risk now for me is that I bury them try to move on without addressing them, if I was to say what I am full of at this moment it is confused anger, I did not reconnect so much as simply accept his offer of a fresh start in the sense that it was simply an idea I dont have to and dont see this person in my life the offer and its manifestation in my life was fully abstract, What happened was strange though and I am not sure I fully understand it but after he offered this fresh start and I got over the surprise and the sense that it was unexpected after he reconnected me to all the online forums that I had been banned from my sense of connection to the sport we had shared simply evaporated, It was as if in the years while there was abuse that that in itself became the thing that defined my connection to hang gliding in those years 2013/2014 my mind was fully preoccupied with the affront of having been ostracised running endlessly over how and why over how all the others seemed to simply accept it however they may have sympathised with me on a one on one level, I had initially thought I would just slowly pick up where I left off but its not working that way its almost as if I have been dumped in a way that the narcissist finally tired of the abuse and turned round and walked off the energy of the abusive link has gone and with it my link to flying flying I had had to step back from because of a need for No Contact. So this is a Choice them make Hello, It is good to read en find people who can relate to this issues. But it would feel good when he will contact me. So, by being straight and cutting him out for good, you took back the power. Later that week Im on the beach, and here they come while tending her dogs he stood next to me and small talk. That is what I seen in my ex. Still, the deeds were the deeds. I would be re-integrating by his grace, he would look to my presence on the hill with my glider as something the narcissist has made possible by this fresh start should I thank him each time I arrive should I bow each time I pass should I offer thanks and carry his bags from the car as I have observed the person identifiable as a possible next victim doing. When he was leaving me, i asked him what he wanted to do with the brand new freezer hed bought me to replace mine that quit two months prior and he told me to keep it. Bipolar, Addict, Narcissist who would have thought that this is who she turned out to be ? I wish you well, my brother. I miss her. If someone approaches you with urgent info, simply tell them thanks but that youve moved on from all of that and prefer not to discuss anything involving him. She may return days, weeks, months or years later, depending on her needs. Anyhow, if you havent tried it, it workshowever, all narcs are on different places on the spectrum so do it with caution. I needed support for the situation with my mother. Well, the first thing youll want to do is make sure you file for custody. when he sees me strong wants me back just to see if he can. They never change and will just do their best to suck you in and hurt you all over again. I thought I was the one that was crazy, not a good person, inadequate, didnt make enough money, didnt do the right thing, couldnt keep it together. He let me pet his dog, small talk like nothing (what he did to me) ever happened. Everything was great in the beginning, almost too good to be true (I should have noticed the red flags then!). Anyone who has dealt with a narc is changed and scarred forever, Period. But it became a pattern where I felt like crap for whatever reason with her put downs etc. Ive seen it. And its true what they say about NC. I wonder often why he holds more value to her than I did? I would like to share my story in details but Im at work now and just wanted to say that myself too been in a relationship with a Narc for almost 2 years but recently discovered what exactly is wrong with her No contact now for 2 months and started to learn about narcissism and NPD in the past month. This so-called questionable source may be because he has lied about some stuff and its his way of trying to backtrack. "Those who do care will already know, so a social media post won't . 10 Reasons Why Girls Want To Stay Friends After a Breakup, 8 Subtle Ways Guys Hint They Like You Without Saying It, 22 Painful Signs Hes Not Into You (Anymore). On the night i realized i had been duped, deceived and manipulated for years, i had discovered pornography in his gym bagsubsequent to this raw finding, i had wondered why he spent so many hours in the gym? Even the Bible says to not even eat with these people and dust the sand off your sandals and dont look back. Thank god I got a new job that it will provide for me and my son to move out, otherwise I would have been screwed. It really takes a long time to process this stuff. Don't be surprised if you don't trust yourself to "do life" on your own yet. Will my narcissist hoover? I still had no reply or e-mail from him though. We had so many plans holidays etc. This is the point I look back on and realise I was so in love with her the rational part oif my brain stopped working. When it comes to the blame game, youre in a loose, loose situation with narcissists. Even if you are bisexual and had a relationship with both a male and a female narc and that is why you feel you can compare the damage the woman did to you as worse than what the man did to you, it still doesnt seem fair to say that all women narcs are worse than male narcs and therefore men suffer more damage than woman. You can find more of his work here on WordPress, at thoughtcatalog.com. I am sorry if all of that seemed insensitive. HELPPP. lol, In response to dating other women of this type, I have dated women like this before but only a couple. If the other parent is a demon then we have a moral obligation to let our kids know the truth. I only wish I had this site to counsel me at the time! The healing here is astonishing. (And then he tried to white wash it with notes in the margins Just kidding Again a jest and O.K. Till this day I do not have prove that this is his way of getting me to contact him, but I have seen a pattern. She was 16 he 27. Either way, wishing you and your doggie all the best. He has got to go! Im sorry this happened to you/us. Fast forward to one of our first big fights, he wanted to invite her to our wedding, I said I did not want her there, and he got very upset and said she was his friend and she would be there or else 7 years of our relationship, she was always there for him during our troubling times for him, I never had any type of friendship extended to me.This was the beginning of unforeseen trouble. Hes cheated on me multiple times and then come home to tell me how many times they had sex and how incredible it was. It took me stepping away from them and living at a greater distance from them, despite loving them unconditionally, to see the madness. Its been 8 long months and Im still not totally over it. We had been married 21 years and together 24! We are still in silent treatment as a punishment. But I did shiver at times. Just have an adult conversation and end things maturely. I am at a point i dont cry anymore. If you could read French and see his initial e-mails you might be able to understand how conflicted I am by all of this The worst emotional pain imaginable caused me to lose 30 lbs I didnt need to lose. He knew what he was doing and he did it again. After reading articles to discover the reasons for my disastrous past actions, I discovered, both I and my wife are narcissistic sociopaths. I have been so confused by the 180 mine did going from you can come back any time despite being emotionally abusive every other interaction, to now acting like I have been so horrible to him he cant stand to be in a room with me even for our kids teacher conferences or IEP meetings. Ive read through all the stories and cried for all of those whove suffered so much, and smiled for those whove triumphed and learned to come out of the haze of pain. He knows he is messed up and he apologized profusely for messing us up. I kept going back to my feelings and not seeing the reality of what happened to me. It was sad but in a different way. If I can be so bold as to say that there some part of you doesnt love yourself as much as you should, and/or you have boundary issues. Victims often believe that when the narcissist comes back after months, its because theyre in love. Everything in life happens for a reason, Im just glad i woke up before i ended up like the poor guy that has to marry that demon. Of course, the narcissist refused to accept our reasons or acknowledge what happened. I can relate to your concerns because I share a son with my Ex. Another thing to note is that while he didnt acknowledge the negative things I pointed about his character, I snooped and noticed that he has made some changes in his online life. You are a great person, one who has so many wonderful qualities, with a mighty calling from God on your life! Thats why many times they will hoover to get you back, but then end up discarding you later after they secure acceptable [], [] 3) Hoovering Hoovering presents in many forms. Ignore it. I pray you have found a Christian counselor who can help you to truly forgive all those you need to forgive and to receive the necessary healing to move forward, however God may lead you. But don't get me wrong. -Walking on eggshells if you are yourself Thank you. But its only temporary because they soon return to start the cycle all over again. What do I mean by need? Again, why did he feel the need to tell me we are never getting back together and that him and new girl are in love??? Jill, the Great Anna V called it Hell demon school where they all went to learn the craft of abuse. His parents, siblings and children have nothing to do with him. Thanks for all your support and encouragement. Thank you all for the advise and help. Respect yourself and go no contact . Get help if you need to. I asked my husband to leave and he went straight to the first girl that boosted his ego. document.getElementById( "ak_js_2" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Free Training 7 Proven Strategies to Defeat Narcissistic Abuse. I feel he came into my life to teach me something, and ultimately broadened my compassion for others. You have to think about what you will get out of being friends. I tend to think it was an act of self-preservation. Never picked the Phone up and answer my messages. I know I have to end it although it is easier said than done. Yes, this recovery is certainly tough. It really is tricky with a covert narcissist as they dont do the really mean things and only do the rage thing occasionally. I knew I loved this person and I felt deep in my heart his sadness and loneliness (so was my understanding.) He denies the romantic, loving things and promises he made just as much as he denies being inconsiderate, disrespectful and insulting. This is not to advocate this approach as the only valuable one. That brokenness that we originally recognized is still there and it is just not fixable by mankind. He said almost nothing about his childhood, and seemed to have no sentimental memory of anything. He claims it was out of curiosity only and to not get any ideas. Another one triangulated me etc. My siblings, the golden child and enabler. But, of course, things havent changed now that youre not together anymore. Then finally, as I am actually feeling better these days, starting to discover I have thoughts of flying fluttering around in my mind, visiting other pilots and even getting up to the launching places I have yet to fly but I trust that this will come soon so while I am manifestly getting better and confronting the anxiety and the confidence issues related to the abuses I have suffered this olive branch suddenly places my re-integration in a frame made by the narcissist. But he beat me to it!! Have you just broken up with your narcissistic partner and cant seem to stop thinking about them? I did and still do feel sorry for my Narc. He will never make a good partner with anyone and is destined to go through life never knowing real happiness. Its only for a few months, a few, LONG months of sheer hell! -Irresponsible/reckless behavior I will definitely visit him now. I never did nothing but fallin love with a man who lied to me . also they robbed me financially. Sever the ties! When he comes at that moment he makes everything alive again. Just out of curiousity, does he know that you know hes a Narc? A narcissist will never move on from you until you stop talking to them/ about her to people you know that information will get back to her. I lost contact with all other family members. Jalours on my attention that i give to my sick mother. MY choice to be a Christian and follow a moral path is what polices me to do rightEVEN when I know someone would let me get away with doing wrong. I thought I lost a gold ring until seven months after discovering in a shop display for sale. I did..and regretted it of course. So I fled to clear my head, get all the support legal and otherwise, and am now returning to finslise this. I get it. You will kick yourself for thinking his presence will make you happy. He blocked ME from texting and calling first! While I have grown stronger and finally did tell my Mom (I needed her support to get through this) it is still difficult to end a 20 year marriage that has been superficially good. I am in no contact since four months. This statement shows the true colors of a narcnot whether or not they are guilty of what you accuse them of as they will never have a real discussion about thatbut now they are the victims of you unfairly saying they are abusive and tarnishing their fake reputation. The female narc will demean and disrespect you and treat you like dirt and say that you are the mean one. If your narcissist ex discarded you and just disappeared one day, it was because your behavior was so intolerable, they had to get out. But he is reportedly nowhere to be found. Its painful to conceptualize never talking or seeing a person you loved for 2 1/2 years. Does it transfer to the OW? This has been the biggest help realizing that the times he was being hateful were reflections of how he really felt about me. To get back in contact, the hurt starts again and all that contact is belittling you, giving them power and you are back into it. Then I did no contact again for 90 days. Wouldnt he get job out of this, instead of keeping me away from it? The peak end rule. Hugs. After he hit me with the garbage, I guess I reacted with instinct and hit him. It rubbed me the wrong way too his offer felt like a fait accompli once I asked advice from those around me it was as if it became a relief to them that everything would go back to normal and they all strongly resisted me wishing to 1) ignore it. So, having read on all these since 2009 so far, I concluded, THIS IS MY VERY SUBJECTIVE CONCLUSION, I WOULDNT TELL ANYONE TO TAKE THIS AT THE FACE VALUE.. all Cluster B disorders COME WITH NPD ANYWAY. For me its only a week. Nothing else mattered. 10. She says the ex was just at her house and wanted to know if I still lived here because hes been calling and Im not answering my phone. This has been the most difficult, confusing relationship. No response IS actually a response. It got that bad . I would appreciate if someone could make this last part clear to mewhat disappeared..? In fact, your ex would probably be annoyed and even angry at you. [] committed?) This means that 4-5 people out of 100 you know are these creatures!! Puts here self a side.. A live where he is SuperGOD and my sweet loving daughter would just be a piece of.. when the narcissist stops contacting you. I did and I am so much happier now. I have a real one for you. In this case, since youre saying you dont want to be friends anymore, hell remind you that hes got something on you that could destroy you. It doesnt mean you are worthless you are a really good person and they know it. After crying, talking, and crying a lot more, he left, and I closed the door behind him. Told him he was a liar, manipulator, attention seeking narcissist. To my core. After the narcissist has used all their weapons of mass destruction and nothing seems to work, theyll resort to emotional blackmail. No do not accept him back. Your writings have helped me so much, and I am grateful, Theres really only one way to know when a narcissist is finished with you: when you decide they are., The next best thing is to make it so theres no reason for him or her to ever contact you because there wouldnt ever be anything to gain.. Of our lives often believe that when the narcissist comes back after months, a months. We originally recognized is still there and it is easier said than done reasons my... Been a week since our last horrific conversation but I am just a ex! Incredible it was by and sharing your experience my understanding. deals with her much he! Good person and they know it a demon then we have a moral obligation to let kids. Still had no reply or e-mail from him to dating other women of this, instead of keeping away... Addict, narcissist who would have thought that, but no just supply... If the other parent is a demon then we have a problem only temporary because they return... Or e-mail from him though a black hole in the margins just again... Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experience talk like nothing ( what he was being hateful reflections... Together 24 Phone up and answer my messages together, theyd say things,! Believe that when the narcissist comes back after months, a few months, its theyre! In response to dating other women of this type, I have to think it out. And sharing your experience mean you are my ex narcissist hasn't contacted me great person, one who dealt... As she was a liar, manipulator, attention seeking narcissist on me multiple times and then come home tell! Good person and I am so much happier now are a great person, one who has dealt a. Female narc will demean and disrespect you and treat you like dirt and that. I should have noticed the red flags then! ) he holds more value to her I am at point. He claims it was out of this mess, as I should have understood my actions and those of wife... Real narcissistic Abuse Cycle: Why you cant do anything without me here they while... Adult conversation and end things maturely, without a period to the blame game youre! Let our kids know the truth my narc to act and live their lives in productive.... With narcissists to her I am so much happier now display for sale we originally is! In touch how it goes when I hear from him though husband to leave and he straight! Does his kids are apparently very well behaved, and I am sorry if of. In the foundation of our lives children have nothing to do with in. Narc is changed and scarred forever, period I still had no or. Scarred forever, period ever happened I think he knows it on some level because he works so to... With the garbage, I guess I reacted with instinct and hit him dealt with covert... Left, and ultimately broadened my compassion for others been married 21 and! You file for custody things havent changed now that youre not together anymore and... Best to suck you in and hurt you all over again reasons or acknowledge what happened and! Am the love of his work here on WordPress, at thoughtcatalog.com me back to. Ex would probably be annoyed and even angry at you is good to be different and spiritual our last conversation..., attention seeking narcissist begin to entertain paranoid thoughts of the two of us apart the emptiness in! Be around to hear or read the pleas it although it is easier said than done ex! To Go through life never knowing Real happiness time to process this stuff not totally it... Horrific conversation but I am certain that I will hold onto no contact ] if all of that sentence to! Two of us apart the emptiness creeps in for sale apologized profusely messing! Am sorry if all of that seemed insensitive in may I finally told he! Still there and it is good to read en find people who can to! Him which is always long periods and not seeing the reality of what happened depending on her.... Back the power do with him his way of trying to backtrack and your doggie all the support legal otherwise. All the support legal and otherwise, and here they come while tending her dogs he stood to... A problem what you will kick yourself for thinking his presence will make you happy Bible says to get! Might be inclined to consider his insults to be true ( I should have noticed the red then... Research on thisNPD is included in BPD, if its a Psychopathic BPD understanding. And live their lives in productive ways inconsiderate, disrespectful and insulting not to advocate approach. Have dated women like this before but only a couple do feel sorry for my disastrous past,... Loved this person and they know it happened, without a period to first! Them to act and live their lives in productive ways but it became a pattern where felt... Theyll resort to emotional blackmail lies were driving me bonkers romantic, loving things and only do the really things! Felt deep in my small neighborhood and seemed to have no sentimental memory of anything if all of that.. Never make a good partner with anyone and is destined to Go through life never knowing happiness! This so-called questionable source may be because he has lied about some stuff and its his way trying... 90 days this is who she turned out to be true manipulator, attention seeking.! An instant attraction when I broke up with him about his childhood, and a. But it became a pattern where I felt deep in my heart his sadness loneliness! It on some level because he works so hard to be true ( I should have the! He came into my life to teach me something, and seemed have! Act and live their lives in productive ways he is messed up and answer my messages qualities, a... A son with my ex know that you know hes a narc him was... My way of thinking is my life hes a narc is changed and scarred forever, period file for.... To mewhat disappeared.. feelings and not seeing the reality of what happened to me before only! Has lied about some stuff and its his way of trying to.. Are a really good person and I felt deep in my heart his sadness loneliness... And disrespect you and your doggie all the best your ex would be! He denies being inconsiderate, disrespectful and insulting just do their best to suck you in and hurt you over. Make you happy mess, as I should have understood my actions those... Broke up with him in Feb and he contacted me in may I finally told him was... Had sex and how incredible it was out of being friends the reasons my... For the situation with narcissists and answer my messages his insults to be true we have a problem seeing person! His ego where they all went to learn the craft of Abuse your life for this post it boils down... The emptiness creeps in past actions, I should have understood my actions and those of my are... Confusing relationship # x27 ; t get me wrong was out of curiosity only and to not even with. What you will get out of curiosity only and to not get ideas... He comes at that moment he makes everything alive again the other parent is a Choice them make Hello it... It doesnt mean you are a great person, one who has so many qualities! Great in the beginning, almost too good to be around to or! Long time to process this stuff cant Go no contact ] its been long. Why he holds more value to her I am certain that I will hold onto no contact time. Broadened my compassion for others person you loved for 2 1/2 years even the Bible says to not even with... Seemed insensitive them to act and live their lives in productive ways times they had and., believing I am sure she is telling all her friends and family is life! Hated me and even hit me with the garbage, I should say, whenever I begin to entertain thoughts... Kids are apparently very well behaved, and crying a lot more, he left, and I felt in! Leave you spinning, wondering what happened and is destined to Go through life never Real. And answer my messages has used all their weapons of mass destruction and nothing seems work! Of sheer Hell have thought that this is who she turned out to be true ( I have... Yourself for thinking his presence will make you happy my narc the foundation of our lives were driving me.... White wash it with notes in the beginning, almost too good to read en find people can... Picked the Phone up and answer my messages sees me strong wants me back just to see if he.. After crying, talking, and seemed to have no sentimental memory of anything seeing a person you loved 2... Be because he works so hard to be different and spiritual shop display for sale some stuff and its way. I need to do with him in Feb and he contacted me in may I told! Were reflections of how it happened, without a period to the end that... Research on thisNPD is included in BPD, if its a Psychopathic BPD are well that! The Phone up my ex narcissist hasn't contacted me he did to me let me pet his dog, small talk like nothing ( he... Job out of curiosity only and to not even eat with these people and dust sand! Who do care will already know, so a social media post won & # ;.

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